Me - The Very Early Years

My Aunt Donna sent some old pics of me today from the 70's and 80's and well..here ya go.


Me and my Aunt Debbie



Me, My Aunt Donna and My Aunt Patty



Me and My Cousin Billy



Me and My Aunt Donna at the zoo



Me and My Cousin Janiece



Me Raking in My 1st Pot



Me and My Uncle Bill



Another of Me and My Uncle Bill



Me and My Cousin Billy at My Aunt Barb's Wedding 1985

I'm a Troublemaker (or at least i was)

This week was my old friend Amy's birthday, she turned 38 just like me this year and throughout her whole life she was an honor student and an upstanding member of the community. Funny enough, I was the sole reason for the only detention she ever received in school.

As stated in previous posts, Amy and i had an off and on thing during our time at Snyder Middle School and i would do anything to impress her, so one time she came to me about someone giving her some trouble, some punk ass kid didn't know exactly who he was mouthing off to and i decided to take care of the situation, but in a way that only a 6th grade original gangsta could. You see i had a body guard named Maurice.


Not this, more like this:



Not in the Whitney Houston / Kevin Costner way, i had a bodyguard as in an overgrown man child African American kid named Maurice. He was a year older than us but was starting to look like Shaq already. Maurice and I were good friends and he would do anything i asked, so i had him go have a chat with the kid bothering Amy. Here i was only in 6th grade and i had already put out my first hit on someone, my Italian ancestors would have been proud.

So Maurice put the fear of god into this kid, and maybe roughed him up a bit, although he did leave his spleen and kidneys intact. The next thing we know the principal comes on the loudspeaker. (last names removed here) "Ron please come to the principals office, Maurice please come to the principals office, Amy please come to the principals office". The jig was up and we got ratted out, unfortunately Amy was dragged into it as well.

Maurice was the only one out of the three of us to get corporal punishment, but it was hilarious watching him get his ass paddled by the principal as he just laughed. Amy and I received detention, which was a win / win situation for me. I got to spend an extra hour out of a day with her, and i showed her that i would do anything to make her happy. Sure this did lead to another epic argument between us at the time, but i know she forgives me for what she realized were good intentions. We laugh about this story often, and I'm glad were still friends.

Summer of 1984

It's strange how you can have really intense sense memories. It could be a song, a smell, a food, anything really that transports you back to a moment in time. The summer of 1984 was one that i remember so fondly to this day, and one that i remember the most due to the sense memories that are inescapable.

I spent my entire summer of 1984 at my Aunt Donna and Uncle Bill's house with my 2 cousins Janiece and Billy. My sister went back and forth from our home and our aunt and uncles but i stayed the entire summer. Most times, their house was more home to me than my with my mom and my sister, and i had some other attachments there as well, most notably, my girlfriend Sandi and my friend Toby.

This is Sandi now, but i swear she looks almost the same today as she did when she was 14. She was my first older woman and the first girl i did "alot" of things with. More important than that, she was the first girlfriend i had the experience of knowing what it was like to truly be "in love" with someone, and feel love back. We were pretty young, but the experiences we shared that summer were pretty intense. More on that in a bit..

Most of my day times that summer were spent with my friend Toby, and my nights with Sandi. A typical day for me would be spending a few hours at Toby's house playing the Dungeons and Dragons board game

and then playing Adventure on the Atari 2600, after lunch we would go to the 5 and dime on Bustleton Ave and buy kites to replace the ones we lost or destroyed, or extra twine to see how far up we could send one, then off to the fields to test our new monstrosities. It never got old and Toby was a good friend to have. We lost touch after a few summers when he moved away, and i often wonder how his life turned out.

After dinner with the family, many of the kids in the neighborhood would gather outside with beach chairs and sit around shooting the shit for hours, often with a radio playing the songs of that summer, and as the sun set and fireflies came out, we often started playing truth or dare...this usually meant me and Sandi wandering off on our own and disappearing for the rest of the night to spend quality time together. Yeah we made out ALOT, but alot of times we would just hold hands and go for walks, or find a quiet place and cuddle and talk, these were great times.

Usually just before 11pm me and my cousins would go back home, and sit in front of the tv eating chocolate cream pie or ice cream as we watched Video Rock on channel 17, I can no longer hear the song "I Want Candy" without thinking about that summer as it was the theme song for Video Rock.

On one particular night that summer. something really bad happened. As i was sleeping in the middle of the night, There was a fire at Sandi's house. I will never forget hearing the news that morning and how sick i felt in my stomach, even after hearing everyone made it out ok. I stood outside the burned and charred remains of her house for hours in shock and sadness, and to this day if i smell the burnt remains of a house fire, it makes me think of that day and of Sandi, and that was 26 years ago. I was sad and devastated, she had to go stay with relatives until they got a new place, and our peaceful routine was disrupted. I spent the next day or so gutted wondering when i would see her again and as i was sitting on this little hill near her old house crying, there she appeared, and it was so good to see her and hold her and comfort her.

Things weren't exactly the same after that, instead of seeing her every night, it was a few days or nights a week we got together, but one thing is for sure, for the remainder of that summer, we made the most of every moment we had and took nothing for granted. For as long as i live, there will always be a special place in my heart for her, and we are still friends to this day. This was our song and every time i hear it, i smile.

24 Years Ago, History Was Made

On Sunday May 25th 1986, millions of people across the country gathered in pre determined locations in every major city. Jen G. (my dancin on air dance partner and girlfriend at the time) were 2 of those people on city line ave that day to participate in Hands Across America.

Approximately seven million people held hands in a human chain for fifteen minutes along a path across the continental United States. Participants paid ten dollars to reserve their place in line; the proceeds were donated to local charities to fight hunger and homelessness and help those in poverty. This Event was part of USA for Africa, which created the song "We Are The World".




Now 24 years later, i still get a huge grin on my face when i hear this song, but not because i recall our charitable efforts with fondness, the reason why i get a big grin on my face is because..


I LOST MY VIRGINITY THE DAY OF HANDS ACROSS AMERICA.


You could say i had my hands across Jen's ass and other parts that day.So i would like to thank Michael Jackson and the rest of the celebrities who created such a catchy tune to commemerate me getting busy for the 1st time.

Changes

i have decided to not stick to a linear path in telling my stories. Like the candidates on LOST skipping around in time, so too will my blog from now on, hopefully this will lead to more frequent posts and more entertaining tales.

A Noun names a person, place or thing or quality. A Pronoun takes its place, he, she , it , us , we , you , me.


Entering English class for the first time was like being transported to another world. Bright colors, bizarre game show props, and our teacher Mrs. Jaquette made this room feel like a portal to some bizarre children’s show like zoom, or romper room.

Our teacher was unique in her own right, she was equal parts Willy Wonka and Madeline Kahn, with a fiery red hairdo that looked like she stole Heat Miser’s wig. She was a teacher who could appreciate a good joke, and wasn’t afraid to laugh along with her students. Her methods were quite unusual, but what we didn’t know, was that she knew the secrets to teach us anything she wanted, without us realizing that our minds were putty in her hands.

Looking at our list of necessary supplies, you would have thought this was an art class, not English. I can understand the need for pens and pencils, rulers and even a separate trapper keeper for her class only, but sharpies, crayons and magic markers in at least 16 different colors? What the hell were we getting into? We soon found out that all of the art supplies were for "The Shading Method", which was a really intricate way of coloring pictures that we drew, to make them look like stained glass paintings. This was the only thing that we learned that year, that I still do not fully comprehend why we were taught it. Maybe she was preparing us for a future event where aliens came down to earth and the only way to communicate would be through hand drawn stained glass colored pictures, or maybe she was just crazy.





The rest of her teaching methods were just as bizarre, but much more effective. She was a big fan of the reward system, and had many different trinkets, toys, school supplies, candy and gum that she would give out as prizes for winning her English themed games, such as tic tac toe, wheel of fortune, and many other game show variants. In 1983 things were a lot different, and political correctness was no where to be found. Nowadays, parents, teachers and coaches are concerned with making sure every kid is a winner and no ones feelings get hurt. But Mrs. Jaquette was like Jeff Probst from survivor, unflinchingly telling people they were eliminated, and awarding candy and prizes to the winning team to enjoy in class while the losers looked on and stayed inside their black sharpie lines as they cried away their troubles practicing the shading method.




Some days we were even subjected to individual challenges, and the winner would get the ultimate prize, the tree of goodies. This was a sheet of paper with a drawing of a tree on it, each branch held a coupon that could be traded in for candy, toys or supplies, whenever the winner wanted. This was a big deal to us as I’m sure you could imagine. Battle lines were drawn, friendships were lost, blood was spilled, all in the name of that loot…wait that was just us playing dungeons and dragons at the free library, either way it was a big deal.

One of the things that separate a good teacher from a great teacher is the ability to make students learn willfully and thoroughly, Mrs. Jaquette used one word to accomplish this, song. Everything she wanted us to learn she had a song for. She taught us grammar by making us sing the parts of speech blues everyday, we learned to count in foreign languages by singing it every day, we learned to say hello in hundreds of different languages, by singing it every day, and we even learned Rudolph the red nosed reindeer in Spanish, by (you guessed it) singing it EVERY SINGLE DAY. She was like the Mr. Miyagi of English teachers. She made us sing these songs over and over just like Daniel san had to wax on and wax off repeatedly. If our classroom had ever been invaded by a rival Dojo full of Spanish speaking autistic rain man ninja’s challenging us to a grammar and picture coloring war, we would have been well prepared.




As I mentioned earlier, in 1983 there was no political correctness, so I have to tell you one of my most memorable and funny Mrs. Jaquette moments, that happened on the first day of school. She was trying to learn all of our names and tell us about her expectations etc, and asked if anyone had any questions. An African American girl in the front of the class (whose name escapes me, which is pretty ironic) raises her hand and Mrs. Jaquette who again was trying to memorize our names, had a brain fart. Snapping her fingers at the young girl, she said "um um you um watchamanigger?"




Clearly embarrassed she tried to cover up her slip of the tongue, but the room was already in hysterics and after a few minutes it was just a fleeting memory. Our teacher may or may not have been a closet racist, but she had candy and prizes and that was good enough for us.

English class was also important for another reason later in the school year. As it was the scene of the shortest relationship ever in the history of mankind. On the way to English class, I asked Amy to be my girlfriend and go steady with me, she said yes and I was on cloud nine as we spent the next 50 minutes in class exchanging nervous smiles and puppy dog eyes. Trading notes back and forth at the risk of Mrs. Jaquette intercepting and reading it to the class. Nothing could stop us, we were in love and we were finally together, the world be damned, or so I thought. As the bell sounded ending class, Amy grabbed me as we exited the classroom; apparently things just weren’t working out after a whole 50 minutes and she thought it was best that we break up. I was devastated, and perplexed because at that moment I realized I would never understand Amy, or Jewish girls in general, but I still was not giving up on her, not yet.

At some point during your lifetime, a friend or co-worker will ask you, "if you could go back to any point in time, knowing everything you know now, where would you go?". For me that answer has always been simple and has never changed, the first day of sixth grade in the fall of 1983. You see, everything i ever needed to know, i learned during that school year. If i had been marooned on a uncharted island the following year, i would have become king of all the natives, because i held the knowledge of the shadoof .

The funny thing is, even if i could go back with full knowledge, i probably wouldn't change much of anything, except maybe the outfit i wore that day. When your 11 years old, parachute pants, chams two tone shirt with mesh sleeves, spiked belt and bracelet,members only jacket and high top pony sneakers seems like a good idea, and in 1983 it probably was, however i should have kept the michael jackson glove at home, or burned it.

As i sit here on the roller coaster of life, about to go over the hill careening towards middle age, i think back to a time when i was pretty outgoing, and not the increasingly curmudgeoning fellow i have become. Maybe thats a bit of an overstatement, but back then i loved meeting new people and making new friends, not so much today. The reason i mention this, is because this was the first day in a new school, in an entirely new school district. All of my friends from elementary school had moved on together, i forged a new path alone.

At Cecelia Snyder Middle School, it didn't take long to make new friends, i made two that very first day. I grew up in a predominantly catholic neighborhood, and at the time, never really thought much about other religions, or cultures, but i would soon learn that jewish girls are very complicated. As an 11 year old, all i really cared about was star wars, halloween, my birthday and christmas. Now i was in a different world, with new and exotic people to meet. It sounds strange calling Bensalem, PA exotic, but again I WAS 11 YEARS OLD.

So it's the first day of school and all of the students are gathered in the lunchroom, being sorted into their home room groups and at the same table as me, is Amy H. She would become my muse, and my source of frustration that year, but more importantly, my life long friend. I also met Mike D. that day, he was tall and lankey and had glasses, but shared my warped sense of humor. We would become best buddies during 6th grade, but there was one 800 lb gorilla in the room, we both had the hots for Amy, how could we not, she looked like a young version of Annabella Sciorra.

So with rapt attention, Mike and I chatted up Amy and tried to gauge her interest level in either us, and maybe decipher that piece of information that would give one of us the upper hand in the epic struggle that awaited us the rest of the year. We noticed all of the other groups of students were being introduced to their new homeroom teachers, except for our band of brigands. It was as short while later that we learned some illness of unknown origin had befell our assigned educator and that we would be getting a substitute, that would not only be our homeroom advisor, but our math teacher as well, Miss Goldstein. She was about 24 or 25 years old, fresh out of college on her first teaching assignment as she told us, and she was stunning to say the least. It was almost like i was transported from normal earth to the valley of the jewish dolls, and I would never in my entire life pay more attention in math class than i did that year.

Every time she entered the room, every male in the class would have the faint sound of porno music playing in their head. What's the square root of 16? (bow chikka wow wow). She was only supposed to be with us for a few weeks, but another lesson i learned is the power of prayer, because every kid in that class, even Myron the atheist prayed she wouldn't leave us, and our prayers were answered. Did i mention she looked like the foreign exhange student from better off dead?

I knew that day, this was going to be a special year, I just didn't know how special until we met our english teacher, Mrs Jaquette. She would change our lives in a way we could have never fathomed, but thats a story for next time.